I Believe In Love Surviving Death Into Eternity
by Ambrosia's Whim
Summary: Todd writes to Mr Keating, to tell him about his friendship with Neil and how he feels about Neil's suicide. This story does not add to the film, but shows it from Todd's perspective.


**I Believe In Love Surviving Death Into Eternity**

O Captain! My Captain!

I believed Charlie when he told me. Sure, Nuwanda is a joker, but he wouldn't joke about something so serious.

Neil Perry was the first student I'd met, at Welton. He became my best friend. He'd figured me out and begun to understand me. I'd needed a friend like him. I suppose it was impossible for us to not become close friends, as we were roommates. We'd spent so much time together.

The last time I saw him, he was in his father's car. A look of despair was on his face. He should have been excited and happy. He'd done so well in the play. There had been a standing ovation! Through the car window, I had watched Neil's face. Charlie had called to Mr. Perry. I'd heard the angry reply: "Don't make it worse than it already is." Well, it couldn't have gotten any worse. Whatever Mr. Perry had said that night had driven Neil to suicide. My best friend is dead.

It was after midnight when Charlie woke me. His eyes were wet and red from crying. Knox, Meeks and Pitts were huddled in the doorway. A million thoughts of bad things that could have happened pounded in my brain. There was a pause, before Charlie spoke. He only said two words to me, but they were enough. "Neil's dead."

The next moments were a blur. We went outside, wearing our Dead Poet coats. New-fallen snow was on the ground and everything was white, fresh and crisp. It was beautiful. I wished Neil could have been there to see it. I looked around as my friends watched. I suppose they wanted to know my reaction. Suddenly, the realisation of my friend's death hit me. I felt sick to my stomach and fell to my knees. I tasted vomit and tried to spit it into the snow. My friends rushed to me, dropping to my level. Meeks and Charlie held my arms. Knox hugged my back. I said something incomprehensible and tried to get away from the restricting holds on me. It was my fault, I thought. If I'd been with him, he wouldn't have done it. If I'd gone home with him…but I couldn't have. No, it wasn't my fault. It was Neil's fault. He'd done it to himself, but again, no. "It was Mr. Perry!" I blurted out, my voice thick. "He killed him!" I escaped from Knox, Meeks and Charlie's grasps and stumbled away. I would never forgive Mr. Perry. Even if he hadn't pulled the gun trigger, he had _been_ the trigger. I floundered further away from my friends, thinking, crying and mumbling.

It hurt so much. Still, it was better to have known Neil and hurt after his death, than to have not known him at all. We'd had fights, but more importantly, we'd had a lot of fun. I recalled romping around, clambering over beds and laughing. We'd had an exchange of strong words and Neil had stolen a poem I'd been writing. I'd chased him. Charlie and Cameron had burst in and the romp had become a merry dance.

There were other memories. On my birthday, I'd been feeling down. Neil had appeared out of nowhere. I'd shown him my present from my parents. They'd given me a desk set, which was the same as the one they'd given me the year before. Neil managed to cheer me up, saying that the desk set was aerodynamic and wanted to fly. I'd understood his meaning and hurled the desk set into the air. It crash-landed and paper flew! Then Neil had told me not to worry, because I would get another one on my next birthday. It was then that I'd felt closer to him, than I'd ever felt to anyone, including my parents.

There were the cold nights spent in the Indian cave, reading poetry. Neil loved it. The Dead Poets Society meant a lot to him. The first night, I sat on the ground, looking up to him as he read: "Come, my friends. It is not too late to seek a newer world…"

I also remembered Neil bursting into our room, announcing that he had won the part of Puck, in _A Mid-Summer Night's Dream_. He was so excited. He was almost out of control! I'd looked at him with amazement, wondering how he would pull it off.

Remembering those things brought tears to my eyes, but I almost smiled. I continued to trudge through the snow. The morning air was crisp on my face, freezing my tears. I wasn't as hysterical as before, but I still felt as if there was a hole in my heart. It occurred to me that I'd loved Neil and even more so, that I still loved him. I glanced back, and tried to see Knox, Meeks, Pitts and Charlie. They were black dots, far away. "They must love him too," I whispered. Even though Neil was gone, our love for our dear friend still survived.

Neil had sucked all the marrow out of life, or at least, all the marrow he could find. He had _lived_ his last few weeks. He did exactly what he wanted to and made sure that his time alive wouldn't be wasted.

"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately…and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

From Todd


End file.
